Redemptive suffering.

Working with hospice and experiencing things in my own life this semester, I've often wondered the favorite life-question: Why does God allow bad things to happen to his followers? I've read books on suffering and they all came to the same conclusion: He allows us to undergo struggles to shape our character and faith with him. I think, "That's nice and good, but I'd much rather God tell me what to do and how to act rather than let me stumble and be humiliated." I have fought with God, almost telling him I didn't want to follow him anymore (yeah, it was that bad, but it shows my lack of faith).

From a casual perspective, people probably couldn't tell anything was wrong with me. Yet there was, and those closest to me knew I wasn't my normal self.

After making it through my valley, I sought help to prevent me from re-entering that place. And then I finally began to trust God again. I would've preferred him to work supernaturally and take away my problem, but he allowed me to humble myself in order to seek help from others. Since that time of initial healing, I've realized that I'm a stronger person for enduring the pain. In this manner, God has redeemed my suffering. I like who, what, where I am. I wouldn't trade it anymore. Where I was before the valley -- when everything was just OK -- is completely different to where I am now -- appreciative of everything about ordinary life.

I was blinded by my own negative thoughts -- I would consider them more like strongholds -- and could not fully love all the blessings around me. For example, I get to go to a school where a core value is to encourage students to be lights unto the world, which is a big personal value. I am studying to be what I believe is my life's greatest purpose. I'm in an amazing internship, where I get to directly influence people's lives. I have a bright future ahead of me in my profession. I have a great family. Great friends. Food to eat. Clothes. Intelligence. Education. And the list goes on.

Through all this, I've also learned what I can do to really prove my faith to God: Not to worry about unfulfilled promises. Faith is believing on things that have not yet come to pass. Or believing in things unseen. When you're in the storm, the valley, the wilderness, whatever, it's hard to imagine redemption. It feels like a dark night of the soul, but our pain isn't lost to Him. He will turn around our pain and turn it into joy and spiritual wealth. He has shown me that the most meaningful things in life are the most worthy of my patience. And I believe it. And I will hold out for those promises.