I'm going to share something that I've wanted/not wanted/meant to do: share my personal struggles. I am a firm believer in being honest with oneself and others in hopes of drawing others to their own personal honesty and, ultimately, to bring glory to Jesus. So with that said, here it goes.
For about eight years, I have lived with a mental disorder known as Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). BDD-sufferers notice one or many perceived or small flaws on themselves, causing them to feel hideous. This feeling of hideousness causes social isolation and dysfunction for the sufferer because they think that others will also be disgusted by their looks. The sufferer will also spend a significant amount of time in the mirror and/or thinking about the problem. Ruminating on the flaws will cause considerable amount of distress. People will ask for reassurance, yet they don't believe when their loved ones say they look fine. Men and women are both equally afflicted with this disorder, although men are often too embarrassed to admit it or brush off their concern as "vanity".
Speaking of vanity, please know that people with BDD are not narcissistic or self-centered. They genuinely believe they have a problem. It's like being imprisoned inside your own body, which you hate. No matter what you do to physically improve your appearance -- get a haircut, new clothes, etc -- they still feel disgusted or notice something new to analyze about themselves. Their distress is real, even if others don't think they have a problem. BDD is about mental distortions, not truth.
As much as I'd like to tell you what my "flaws" are, I don't want others who may also have BDD to feel like I can't understand if we don't have the same kind of issues. Also, I'm not looking for reassurance or compliments, so please don't feel obliged to tell me I look alright. But do know that I can understand any sort of BDD flaw, because all the feelings of hopelessness and self-loathing are all the same, no matter what you think your flaw is.
I have always had extremely low self-esteem because I felt so ugly. I spent my adolescent years depressed because I couldn't "measure up" to others. I remember looking at other kids in junior high school, thinking how normal they looked. When I'd come home and look in the mirror, I would see myself and wished that I could just look like the other kids -- normal! These same feelings continued throughout high school and grew larger in college. I never knew that I had a mental disorder until I took Abnormal Psychology in my sophomore year of college. I know you're not supposed to self-diagnose, but as I read about this condition, I couldn't help but see myself. It was relieving to know that I wasn't alone! When I came back home for the summer, I saw a counselor who did diagnose me with BDD (always see a professional if you suspect you have something -- don't just self-diagnose).
To make a long story short, I stopped seeing the counselor once I returned to school in the fall, but felt myself go worse than before by the spring. Finally, this past March, I started to see a counselor at my school, who got me into cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Since BDD is mostly a disorder of mental distortion, the patient needs to restructure his thoughts to more positive and/or realistic thoughts. I improved by leaps and bounds, but I am still currently not 100% perfect.
As a friend helped me realize, I'm fighting an uphill battle. I do well for a while, then relapse. It's devastating, but I continue on -- I have no other choice. I've had these negative thoughts ingrained for eight years, I know that it will take more than a few weeks to completely rethink that way.
I've also come to terms with how my Christian faith is affected by this. Obviously, I've prayed for God to remove this "thorn", yet he has not (2 Corinthians 12). Others might see this as proof of his non-existence or lack of power. I see it as an exercise of perseverance (even though I do get frustrated with him). This perseverance is going to allow me to help others with this similar problem (which I hope I can do right now by writing this) and it is going to develop character in me that pleases him. My ultimate goal/dream/wish is to open a counseling center for people who suffer with BDD, muscle dysmorphia, or eating disorders (all of which deal with appearance distortions) and infuse the counseling with Christian/biblical principles. God HAS created us wonderfully. Our bodies ARE temples of the Holy Spirit. Yet our minds have been deceived into believing we are hideously ugly freaks.
I would love to be the best-looking man on the planet. But that's the fleshly side of me who wants glory all for himself. Yet, I need to renew my mind (Romans 12) to realize that my life will not influence anyone if I continually -- and fruitlessly -- try to make myself look better. The part of me that wants to please God says that I want my struggles to be used as a platform to inspire others who have similar issues. This mindset is what is going to give God the most glory.
No matter how long I've gone through these thoughts of worthlessness and misery, I still continue to experience his grace. I imagine him saying, "Continue, my child, the race I've set before you. The prize is the opportunity to lead others away from their problems into my grace, like I've done for you." So I have no other choice but to run the race with endurance(Hebrews 12). I hope by sharing this, I will have had an opportunity to crucify my problems and selfishness (Galatians 2.22) and inspire hope for others. Isn't this what it means to be a Christ-follower?
For about eight years, I have lived with a mental disorder known as Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). BDD-sufferers notice one or many perceived or small flaws on themselves, causing them to feel hideous. This feeling of hideousness causes social isolation and dysfunction for the sufferer because they think that others will also be disgusted by their looks. The sufferer will also spend a significant amount of time in the mirror and/or thinking about the problem. Ruminating on the flaws will cause considerable amount of distress. People will ask for reassurance, yet they don't believe when their loved ones say they look fine. Men and women are both equally afflicted with this disorder, although men are often too embarrassed to admit it or brush off their concern as "vanity".
Speaking of vanity, please know that people with BDD are not narcissistic or self-centered. They genuinely believe they have a problem. It's like being imprisoned inside your own body, which you hate. No matter what you do to physically improve your appearance -- get a haircut, new clothes, etc -- they still feel disgusted or notice something new to analyze about themselves. Their distress is real, even if others don't think they have a problem. BDD is about mental distortions, not truth.
As much as I'd like to tell you what my "flaws" are, I don't want others who may also have BDD to feel like I can't understand if we don't have the same kind of issues. Also, I'm not looking for reassurance or compliments, so please don't feel obliged to tell me I look alright. But do know that I can understand any sort of BDD flaw, because all the feelings of hopelessness and self-loathing are all the same, no matter what you think your flaw is.
I have always had extremely low self-esteem because I felt so ugly. I spent my adolescent years depressed because I couldn't "measure up" to others. I remember looking at other kids in junior high school, thinking how normal they looked. When I'd come home and look in the mirror, I would see myself and wished that I could just look like the other kids -- normal! These same feelings continued throughout high school and grew larger in college. I never knew that I had a mental disorder until I took Abnormal Psychology in my sophomore year of college. I know you're not supposed to self-diagnose, but as I read about this condition, I couldn't help but see myself. It was relieving to know that I wasn't alone! When I came back home for the summer, I saw a counselor who did diagnose me with BDD (always see a professional if you suspect you have something -- don't just self-diagnose).
To make a long story short, I stopped seeing the counselor once I returned to school in the fall, but felt myself go worse than before by the spring. Finally, this past March, I started to see a counselor at my school, who got me into cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Since BDD is mostly a disorder of mental distortion, the patient needs to restructure his thoughts to more positive and/or realistic thoughts. I improved by leaps and bounds, but I am still currently not 100% perfect.
As a friend helped me realize, I'm fighting an uphill battle. I do well for a while, then relapse. It's devastating, but I continue on -- I have no other choice. I've had these negative thoughts ingrained for eight years, I know that it will take more than a few weeks to completely rethink that way.
I've also come to terms with how my Christian faith is affected by this. Obviously, I've prayed for God to remove this "thorn", yet he has not (2 Corinthians 12). Others might see this as proof of his non-existence or lack of power. I see it as an exercise of perseverance (even though I do get frustrated with him). This perseverance is going to allow me to help others with this similar problem (which I hope I can do right now by writing this) and it is going to develop character in me that pleases him. My ultimate goal/dream/wish is to open a counseling center for people who suffer with BDD, muscle dysmorphia, or eating disorders (all of which deal with appearance distortions) and infuse the counseling with Christian/biblical principles. God HAS created us wonderfully. Our bodies ARE temples of the Holy Spirit. Yet our minds have been deceived into believing we are hideously ugly freaks.
I would love to be the best-looking man on the planet. But that's the fleshly side of me who wants glory all for himself. Yet, I need to renew my mind (Romans 12) to realize that my life will not influence anyone if I continually -- and fruitlessly -- try to make myself look better. The part of me that wants to please God says that I want my struggles to be used as a platform to inspire others who have similar issues. This mindset is what is going to give God the most glory.
No matter how long I've gone through these thoughts of worthlessness and misery, I still continue to experience his grace. I imagine him saying, "Continue, my child, the race I've set before you. The prize is the opportunity to lead others away from their problems into my grace, like I've done for you." So I have no other choice but to run the race with endurance(Hebrews 12). I hope by sharing this, I will have had an opportunity to crucify my problems and selfishness (Galatians 2.22) and inspire hope for others. Isn't this what it means to be a Christ-follower?
2 comments:
David, it certainly takes courage to share what you did. I love that Christ transforms us by the RENEWING OF OUR MINDS.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
For God did not give you a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind!
Bravo friend. Thanks for your courage to share.
:D
I think it is amazing and by God's grace that you wrote this at all. I know of your fear for people to see this kind of thing because of the bdd or not. You are braver than you thought and that is progress and answer to prayers in itself. I love you david, just as I have you to push me through my struggle, you have me.
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